19. Mixed Messages

“And you overthink, always speak cryptically… I should know that you’re no good for me. ’cause you hot then you’re cold. You’re yes then you’re no. You’re in then you’re out. You’re up then you’re down. You’re wrong when it’s right…”

~ Katy Perry, Lukasz Gottwald, Max Martin (Hot N Cold)


The first day we met, I had flown to his home country after work. No one in my family or among my friends/colleagues knew where I went or was about to do.

I met up with the friend I made from the group, and the other members, who were also there to meet him. When we were finally introduced I was a nervous wreck.

We had already met his business partner and a number of his staff and we were shown great hospitality that I felt as if we (with the business partner and staff) had been friends for a long time. I tried to stay in the background as much as I could. I just wanted to watch him from a distance.

The group had actually gathered there to discuss fan club matters – membership benefits, freebies, and also the 2nd gathering that weekend. I didn’t want to intrude on committee matters so I stayed in the background. Once though I jumped in because he had said something and his partner understood it as something completely different. After I said what I did, he agreed that that was what he meant, and all parties nodded. After that, he looked directly at me for more than a few seconds.

When he sat at the round table so that he could pre-autograph the door gifts, one of the girls there had to go to another room to get something. He looked at me and asked me to sit in her seat, next to him. I was flattered but I could not do it because I knew the girl was returning and would then not have anywhere to sit. Considering she was there to work, I let her take priority. I gently refused the offer and hoped he was not offended.

When the preparations were done, we left the place and I took my flight home.

I flew up again for the gathering, but almost wished I hadn’t.

Where he was welcoming and acknowledged me during the introductory meeting, the one time I almost bumped into him at the start of the gathering, he walked past me and I felt as if I was invisible. I thought to myself, “ooooook…”

At the gathering it was all business, he posed for photos (it felt rather stilted), gave speeches and talked about his mission and training. Then all too soon, it ended. I didn’t like the air of formality that was all around that night. I had preferred that informal meeting, and even chatting with him in emails was far better than being at that kind of an event.




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