“If I had not met him, I would not yearn for him. If I did not know him, I would not think of him so much. If we had not been together, I would not have to disappear. If I did not treasure him so much, I would not have so many memories. If I did not love him, we would not need to throw each other away. If we had not been face-to-face, we would never have been together.
Perhaps, if I had not met you at all…”
~ Hae Soo (Moon Lovers: Scarlet Heart Ryeo)
I arrived at the hotel safe and sound. Covered my mouth with the soft hotel pillow and screamed. No one heard, I don’t think.
It was hours yet till my flight, but I didn’t want to linger in the room and I knew I would not be able to sleep, though my eyes had stung from being kept open by my hyperactive brain.
I got to the airport early and loitered for the next few hours.
There’s one thing to be said about Asian airports – they’re good for those needing lots of space for aimless wandering.
It was too early to check in and I was not really hungry to occupy a table at any of the restaurants there. I found myself a spot at the internet cafe and started yahoo messenger, and got in touch with my sister.
I told her what happened and she kept me company while I finished up the hour of online connection that I had purchased.
Then I went to the prayer room. I prayed. I sat for a while after my prayers, and thought of all that had transpired just hours before.
My sisters, both of them, bless their hearts, had dropped off their sons at my mother’s and met me at the airport. It was well past midnight but they were there waiting for me when I landed. We sat at a booth of the 24-hour eatery there and stayed all night chatting. They asked very little and listened a lot. I am so lucky.
I got home and cried what tears I had left.
I went back to work when the new week started. I focused on handing over what I needed to and tried not to think of him. While I was not expecting anymore communication from him, I could not help checking that stupid inbox for even the slightest encouragement. Thankfully, my list of to-dos was over-full.
Keeping busy (not by choice) was what helped me keep my sanity. I had too many things to do. Aside from a brief explanation to my closest colleagues (who had been cheering me on) why things didn’t work out, no further mention of him was made.
Then all too soon, my migration papers and details were confirmed and I flew out to the other side of the planet. It was the furthest I could have thought of going.